The Streets are Not Enough


Lara’s face barely visible in shadow. She is wearing camouflage make up.

LARA (V/O- voiceover): The Permanent Under Secretary at the Foreign Office had blackmailed me into doing a job for MI6.

The Permanent Under Secretary’s Office, earlier.

P.U.S.: Of course you can refuse, but we’ll pay you.

LARA: Pay me? I could buy you ten times over, you ridiculous man.

P.U.S.: It’s up to you. We need you for a job. Look on it as barter if you like.

LARA: I’m legally entitled to a passport.

P.U.S.: You’re legally entitled to be extradited.

Lara is on a darkened roof in dark clothing. She clips a rope by a carabina to the harness she is wearing.

LARA (V/O): Most of the embassies in London are fronts with comparatively useless security.

Inside the darkened embassy. There are two guards. All is quiet.

LARA (V/O): Some of the third world embassies are little more than town houses.

Lara smashes through the windows firing a gas grenade. She is wearing a gas mask.

LARA (V/O): Most of them don’t contain very much of value.

The guards collapse as the smoke spreads. One of them pulls an alarm as he falls. There is the sound of a burglar alarm and a red flashing light. Lara does a forward roll into the shadows under the stairs. A door opens up an upper landing.

BRITISH VOICE: What the bloody hell is going on? (Coughing)

There is the sound of running feet. Lara vaults over the banisters and sprints up the stairs, firing another gas grenade as she goes.

LARA (V/O): I’d known there was no chance of me breaking into MI6 …

1st VOICE: Halt or we shoot … (coughing)

2nd VOICE: We have an intruder, Ambassador.

1st VOICE: Acquire target and fire … (coughing)

Lara kicks open a double door and sprints down the corridor with pistol bullets all flying around her. The corridor is hung with paintings that splinter or fall to the floor. She fires a gas grenade over her shoulder.

LARA (V/O): … so I had to get the information they were withholding from me somewhere else.

Lara bursts into a large office and slithers to a halt. There is a young man in a dressing gown holding a pistol in a two handed grip. His hands are shaking.

YOUNG MAN: Stop there or I’ll shoot.

Lara pull off her gas mask slowly. She closes the door behind her, never taking her eyes off him, and locks it. She unzips the top of the tracksuit an inch or two and drops the key down her cleavage.

YOUNG MAN: What do you want?

Lara glances sideways. There are a couple of Moorish swords mounted above the mantelpiece. Lara does a forward roll, jumps up on the desk (scattering paperweights, phones, pen, etc), grabs the knives and lands on her feet in front of the young man.

YOUNG MAN: I was a crack shot at Eton.

LARA (murmurs): The playing fields of Eton.

She starts swishing the swords around in a hypnotic swirl, never taking her eyes off him.

YOUNG MAN: Good God, woman. Be careful with those. They were brought back by Sir Richard Burton.

LARA (holding out the swords): Swapsies?

The young man giggles. Lara disarms him with one slash of a blade and the pistol lands in a wastepaper bin. She puts the point of one sword at his throat and the other at the knot of his dressing gown cord.

LARA: Are these sharp?

YOUNG MAN: Oh God.

LARA: Are these sharp?

YOUNG MAN: I shouldn’t think so.

LARA: More’s the pity for you, old chap.

There is a thunderous knocking at the door.

BRITISH VOICE: Mr. Chumley! Mr. Chumley! Are you in there?

LARA (loudly): Back off or I’ll chop him into kedgeree.

BRITISH VOICE: Who is this?

LARA (loudly): Where is the file called Happy Shopper?

YOUNG MAN: What?

LARA: Happy Shopper. It’s not on your computers. It must be hard copy only.

YOUNG MAN: How did you know about that?

LARA: MI6.

YOUNG MAN: Why didn’t you just ask?

LARA: I did. My boss and I disagreed on the definition of the word “need” in the phrase “need to know”.

Lara glances down at the desk and starts laughing.

LARA: Well bless my soul.

There is a Top Secret file entitled “Happy Shopper” on the desk. She grabs it up but at that moment there is a small explosion and the doors to the office blow open.

We cut to the street outside. There is a man driving an empty double-decker bus along a night time London street. The bus has an advert for “Goldeneye” on the side.

DRIVER (singing): “Ernie. And he drove the fastest milkcart in the West.” (He yawns.)

We cut to the bus driving peacefully past some large buildings and pan forward to a large Georgian window on the first floor. Suddenly Lara and a uniformed man crash through the window in a shower of glass and land on the roof of the double-decker bus.

DRIVER (nearly losing control of the steering wheel): What?

We cut to long shot of the bus with Lara and the man struggling on the roof, Lara being in the process of delivering a Thai boxing kick. The bus passes a large door and we zoom into a brass plaque next to the door reading “British Embassy”.

Cut to the bus roof. Lara is facing the back of the bus and the man, who is getting to his feet, rubbing his chin, is facing the front. He draws a pistol and fires. The bullet catches Lara on the shoulder spinning her around. She falls and the gas grenade gun goes off in her hand.

The gas canister flies off and hit an lamppost. It rebounds and flies into through the open window of the bus driver’s compartment.

DRIVER: Expletive

The grenade explodes filling the cab with smoke.

We are back on the bus roof. The bus suddenly accelerates and does a sharp right turn. Lara and the man slither to the edge of the roof.

The bus is heading down a wide street towards Piccadilly Circus. A black cab swerves out on the way and goes into the front of a Virgin Megastore.

The man on the roof scrambles to his feet. Lara is barely holding on with her good arm. He aims his pistol squarely between her eyes.

MAN WITH GUN: Give it up.

LARA: Shoot me.

The bus careers into the roundabout at the centre of Piccadilly Circus with a crash, coming to a sudden halt. The man with the gun is thrown from the roof. He flies through the air and is impaled by the throat on the arrow of the bow and arrow that the golden statue of Eros is holding.

LARA (voice over the following scenes): In the words of the poet; 'How can you thus your pupil chide; You know' twas in the dark you taught me.'

Lara, who has also been thrown clear, stumbles to her feet and legs it down a small side street. In the shadows she pauses for breath, still grasping the Happy Shopper file. Her shoulder is bleeding. She glances back at Piccadilly Circus, her face grim. The man is twitching and the statue of Eros slowly bends forward under his weight. He slips off the arrow.

Fade out.

*************************************

We find Lara on a rooftop minutes later. She has peeled down the top of her jump-suit to reveal a vest and a nasty shoulder wound onto which she is slapping a field dressing. She winces. Taking her ponytail she winds it tightly around the biceps (just under the wound), and then takes the free end of the ponytail in her teeth, pulling it tight with a jerk of her head. She has a syringe in her free hand. She slaps the forearm of the tied arm with the back of her fingers, and then injects herself with the anaesthetic. She slumps back making that "sigh of satisfaction" sound she makes in the game when she uses a medipack. A faint smile plays on her lips.

She produces a cigar from a tube in her back pack, trims the end with her knife and lights it with her Zippo. She starts to read the Happy Shopper file.

LARA (V/O): I already knew that it had something to do with Mr. Abdulaziz Al-Dorada. He had become famous in the 1970's when he purchased Derry and Toms, one of the more snobbish of the London department stores.

(Quick snapshot of a podgy Arabic man in wearing a grey suit and large sunglasses standing in front of the Derry and Toms department store, and doing the thumbs-up sign. This and other scenes shouldn't slow or interrupt the natural flow of the dialogue ...)

LARA (V/O): My father had been in the habit of sending me their hampers whilst I was still at school.

(Quick scene. Start off focused on a Derry and Toms hamper. Zoom back to show a young and slightly spotty-looking Lara in school uniform. She is reading a card which the camera pans around reads "Love from Pater".)

LARA (V/O): Mr. Al-Dorada's next high profile purchases had been Kingstonian Athletic Football Club and the tabloid newspaper the Daily Record.

(Flash snapshots. Al-Dorada standing in front of a football team doing the thumbs-up. Al-Dorada standing in a newsroom holding a copy of the Daily Record in one hand and doing the thumbs-up with another.)

LARA (V/O): Then tragedy. Al-Dorada's daughter, Samira, had been killed in a helicopter crash in New York alongside one of Sophie Rees-Jones' old boyfriends.

(Lara's eyes narrow as she reads. We see a page from the Happy Shopper file showing photos from the helicopter crash site. The helicopter has somehow impaled itself onto the spikes on the crown of the Statue of Liberty. Stamped across the photo is the word "EXPEDITED" in block capitals.)

LARA (V/O): During all of this Mr. Al-Dorada had been making strenuous efforts to obtain a British passport. The Duke of Edinburgh himself had got involved.

(Zoom in on a letter with a Buckingham Palace letter head.)

DUKE OF EDINBURGH'S VOICE "Under no circumstances should this filthy little Arab be given British citizenship. He is typically conniving wog of unsavoury character, with inappropriate contacts in the occult world."

LARA (V/O): After that, the bizarre accidents in the civil service had begun. One man had disappeared leaving only his clothes and a large toad in his office.

(She turns the page of the file to show the top of a leather bound desk. There is a shirt, a tie, a bowler hat and a large toad on the surface. Written underneath is the comment "Toad relocated to the Jeremy Fisher Home for Distressed Amphibians.")

LARA (V/O): Another had been turned to stone during the mid-morning tea break.

(The next page shows a man in a bowler hat and pinstripe suit seated at a desk. He has apparently been turned to stone with a saucer in one hand and a tea cup in the other. Next to him is a worried looking tea lady with a plate of digestive biscuits.)

LARA (V/O): A third had spontaneously combusted at Lords after England had been bowled out for 22 by Zimbabwe.

(The third photo shows a burnt out chair at Lords with only a pair of legs dressed in cricketing whites and shoes, under a sign reading "The Ashes".)

LARA (V/O): That's where I came in.

The Permanent Under-Secretary's office, earlier.

P.U.S.: We just want you to nip along to this address and retrieve the ancient artefact for us.

LARA: But you won't tell me anything about it.

P.U.S.: We just thought it was up your street.

LARA: I'm an archaeologist.

P.U.S. (looking at the file with "Lara Croft, Top Secret" on the cover): Perhaps I've been misinformed. It's says "grave robber" in here.

LARA (smiles thinly): Archaeologist. Grave robber. The only difference between them is that one of them takes more notes.

LARA (V/O): Apparently MI5 had passed the case over to MI6 on the premise that it involved foreign nationals with diplomatic immunity.

Pan around to show the photo that she is holding in her hands. It shows the artefact, the Philosopher's Lamp. We fade from the photo to the real thing, which is standing on a pillar in an alcove, glinting eerily. We pull back into a large room, decorated in an Arabesque style. We pan around until we can see the back of a large throne and standing in front of it, dressed in a djellaba and armed with a Kalashnikov, Major Hotti is listening to the occupant of the throne with a faint look of distaste on his face. Major Hotti is tall and extremely handsome with blonde hair; he resembles Laurence of Arabia played by a male model.

AL-DORADA: What must I do, Major Hotti? What must I do?

MAJOR HOTTI: It is hard to see what else you could do, effendi.

We can see Al-Dorada's hand. It is bejewelled with many rings, and is in the process of stroking a large white Persian cat that is perched, Blofeld-style on Al-Dorada's lap.

AL-DORADA: I have bought everything that can be expected of an English gentleman. Property, a newspaper, members of Parliament, even a football team. My charitable works are legendary. What do I have to do to be accepted? Pave the very streets of London with gold?

MAJOR HOTTI: Sometimes, effendi, even the streets are not enough.

The cat meows.

AL-DORADA: What is it, my darling? Are you hungry? Hotti, fetch me a fish.

Major Hotti walks over to an ornate fish tank and expressionlessly inserts his finger into the water. A pirhana fish clamps itself onto the finger which Hotti withdraws, still expressionless. He walks back to the throne with the fish hanging from his hand, which is now dripping blood. He holds out the fish which the Persian cat grabs in its jaws, causing the fish to let go. Hotti looks at his bloody finger and smiles slightly.

AL-DORADA: So now I have been forced to use the Lamp to strike at the very heart of government.

MAJOR HOTTI: Maybe the effendi would be more successful if he didn't choose nonentities as his victims.

AL-DORADA: Ah ha! That is a good point, Hotti. Who should I choose? The leader of the Conservative Party perhaps?

The cat stops chewing and coughs. A gazed look comes into its eyes.

AL-DORADA: I will strike and strike again until my demands are met. And then, when at last I am a British citizen, I will rule the world!

MAJOR HOTTI: Effendi ...

The camera pulls round to show us the face of Al-Dorada. He is as shown in the photos, a corpulent man in his forties dressed in a grey business suit.

AL-DORADA: What is it Major Hotti?

MAJOR HOTTI: I believe that another of your wives may have just died.

AL-DORADA (startled, looks down at the inert cat and raises it up to eye level): Schehrezade! (He shakes the cat.) Schehrezade! Speak to me, my precious.

MAJOR HOTTI (taking the cat by the scruff of its neck and listening to its chest): I'm no vet but I think she has had a heart attack.

AL-DORADA (horror-struck, looking first at Hotti and then the dead cat): But she was so young.

MAJOR HOTTI: Cat years are shorter than human years, effendi.

AL-DORADA (falling to his knees): Oh, Schehrezade, my jewel. I always meant to turn you back when you had mended your ways.

MAJOR HOTTI (looking at the cat dangling from his hand): She had a good life, such as it was. Her example will ensure obedience from the rest of them.

AL-DORADA (getting to his feet and starting to stagger away, arm over his eyes): Dispose of the body fittingly, good Hotti. I need to be alone with my grief. (He exits, shutting an ornate door behind him.)

Major Hotti looks at the cat for a moment. He walks over to the tank of pirhanas and drops the cat in. We see his face through the churning of the water and the spreading blood. He smiles like Leonardo Di Caprio when he first sees Clare Dane.

Fade to black

LARA (V/O): So it seemed we had some sort of shape changing device wielded by a power hungry madman. What a refreshing change.

The darkness which is broken by the beam of a searchlight and the clattering of a helicopter.

AMPLIFIED VOICE: Lara Croft. Put down your weapons and surrender immediately.

The spotlight picks out the rooftops. Lara is in the process of jumping from one roof to another. She grabs with both hands but is left swinging by her uninjured arm, wincing.

LARA (V/O): The presence of the Met would only help with the element of surprise when I broke into Al-Dorada's mansion in Grosvenor Square.

Lara pulls herself up onto the roof, the searchlight playing all around her and the downdraft from the helicopter.

AMPLIFIED VOICE: There's nowhere for you to go so you may as well give yourself up right now.

Cut to view from inside the helicopter. Lara stares up at us, hand on hips, and smiles.

PILOT’S VOICE: Cheeky bastard.

CO-PILOT’S VOICE: Can I shoot her Sarge?

PILOT’S VOICE: No you cannot, Constable Frazier.

Meanwhile (we still have the view from the helicopter) Lara has sprinted up the slope of the roof and is running alone the ridge on the top. She comes to the end of the roof and has to stop suddenly, windmilling her arms to prevent herself falling. The downdraft increases around her as she reaches down and pulls free a large roof tile. She throws it like a frisbee straight at “us” and the glass in front of our view is suddenly crazed with scratches.

PILOT’S VOICE: *expletive*

Cut to Lara sliding down the roof feet first. She catches her toes in the gutter and flips over so that she bashes into the wall underneath, hanging by her feet. She grunts at the impact and then looks straight downwards towards the pavement - we follow her view. About ten feet below is a flagstaff stuck out from the wall at about sixty degrees There is a Union Jack flying from it.

Lara lets go with her toes and reaches out with her good arm. She catches the flag pole and swings down up and over. Cut to where the flag pole joins the wall - it is unscrewing. Lara swings around one more full circle. The flagpole unscrews a little more. Lara manages to get her legs around the pole. There is the sound of police sirens below, the roaring of car engines and the flashing of lights.

Lara, hanging upside down, draws the knife from its sheath on her leg. She cuts away at the ropes holding the flag. Placing at the knife in her teeth she wraps the top edge of the flag around and around the fist of her good arm.

We pan back to show Lara thirty feet above the ground, with a police car drawing up.

Close up of the flag socket on the wall. The flag pole breaks free and Lara is falling.

Cut to police car, that is screeching to a halt. The flagpole (minus Lara or the flag) jabs down like a javelin and pierces the police car windscreen. The police car drives into the wall with a screechy thumping noise. We pan quickly up from the crash in time to up see Lara paragliding down very fast towards some bushes, the flag billowing out from her fist like a parachute.

Lara crash lands in the bushes by the side of a World War One memorial showing a soldier "asleep" on a tomb, surrounded by guns, ammunition boxes, poppies, etc.

A second police car speeds towards her, smoke coming from its tires. Lara leaps to one side, but - trailing the flag behind her like a matador - drapes it over the car's windscreen. The car crashes into a lamppost. A body flies through the windscreen, becomes enshrouded by the flag, somersaults in mid flight and lands exactly on top of the "sleeping" soldier, Union Jack neatly draped.

Cut to a London street sign saying "Grosvenor Square" and pan down to Lara running to cover in a shadowy doorway. There is still the sound of police sirens and the clattering of the helicopter overhead. Lara peers across the Square to a large Georgian (?) town house. As the helicopter nears, lights begin to go on all over the house and figures appear at the windows staring out.

Cut to Lara. She smiles.

Lara pulls out one of her pistols and shoots out a couple of windows of the Georgian house, taking care not to hit anybody. There are cries of alarm as two police cars screech into the Square.

Somebody shoots back at her just as the beam from the helicopter illuminates the front of the house.

Cut to inside the helicopter and the views through the cracks in the windscreen.

PILOT’S VOICE: Units under fire. Repeat. Units under fire.

Lara aims her pistol at a police car and blows out one of the tires. The car skids onto its side and slides, in a shower of sparks into the railings at the front of the house.

LARA (V/O): There is nothing more paranoid than a multimillionaire who suspects that his daughter may have been killed by the secret services.

Lara runs off down a side street. There is the sound of some shots, distantly, from the Square behind her.

Cut to her jumping up and pulling herself one armed up and onto a ten foot garden wall. What she sees in the garden beyond causes her to pause.

LARA: Bloody hell.

Pan around to show men pulling at the ropes of a large striped marquee. The marquee is set on an immaculate lawn surrounded by ornamental flower beds - it looks like the ideal venue for a huge wedding reception. Parked underneath the marquee is a Harrier Jump Jet.

Lara jumps down into the garden, pistol drawn. She is standing in a collection of pet graves, with little tombstones saying things like “Fatima, Maryam, Fluffy, Quentin”. There is a freshly dug grave with the name “Scheherezade” on the tombstone. Lara give them a slightly bemused glance. We pan round to see a ladder being placed against the side of the jumpjet, and Major Hotti, strapping on a pilot’s helmet. He is wearing a jumpsuit with a zip down the front which is most undone, showing his upper torso. Lara raises an eyebrow. We have a closeup of Major Hotti’s jumpsuit clad bottom as he climbs up the ladder.

LARA (stepping forward, gun aimed): Hold it right there.

Cut to Hotti turning and reacting with surprise.

MAJOR HOTTI; Well, well, well. Lara Croft. Tales of your beauty hardly do you justice.

LARA: Thank you. And you’re so pretty you’ve got to be gay.

MAJOR HOTTI (laughing): Actually, no. I find women entirely suitable for my … needs.
Perhaps one day I’ll have the chance to prove it to you.

LARA: At any other time I’m sure that I could have squeezed you in somewhere, but … where is Mr. Al-Dorada?

MAJOR HOTTI (shrugging): I’m afraid that we have to fly.

LARA: Absolutely no chance of that, I’m afraid.

Major Hotti laughs and blows her a kiss.

MAJOR HOTTI (shouts): Release the dogs!

Six vicious looking Dobermanns come leaping out of the darkness and head straight for Lara. We see the scene as if standing just behind her.

Lara fires once. One dog spins and drops, and the rest come on. Lara does the same thing five more times, extremely methodically. All six dogs, the last only a foot from her, are shot down.

LARA (blowing imaginary smoke from her gun): Six for six. Not bad. Who's next? (She begins to reload.)

Al-Dorada comes hurrying out of the house, carrying a box.

We cut to Al-Dorada's face. He is scanning desperately around the garden as if searching for a way out. His eyes alight on something and an evil smile lights up his face. We scan away from him, past a piece of grass where an ant is hanging, waving its antennae, and finally round to Lara standing in front of the garden wall and the pet graves.

Al-Dorada whips out the Philosopher's Lamp from its box and polishes it with his tie.

AL-DORADA: Start the engine, Major Hotti.

LARA (fumbling with her injured arm at the pistol, trying to get a new clip into it): Damn it!

We see Al-Dorada in long shot from Lara's perspective. He appears to be whispering to the Lamp. A cloudy figure appears from the spout of the lamp and envelopes the grass between Lara and Al-Dorada. Al-Dorada slams the box shut and runs for the Harrier.

Lara slams the clip into the pistol but there are weird whispering and rustling sounds from all round her.

Pan to Scheherezade’s grave. A skeletal cat claw appears through the freshly dug earth.
Pan to the graves of Fatima, Maryam and Fluffy. Three more cat sketelons are struggling free.
Pan to Quentin’s grave. The skeleton of a small dog with the remains of a ribbon tied around its skull is standing there.

QUENTIN: Yap!

Pan to a small wooden grave marker with the names “Bubbles” and “Jaws” written on it. Two goldfish skeletons pop out of the ground and swim around each other in the air.
Pan to another wooden grave with “Wriggley the Worm” written on it. Hold for a few seconds but nothing happens.
Finally pan to a very old stone tombstone with “Jumbo 1863(?) - 1926 Faithful heart” on it. There is a rumbling. The ground trembles and then, slowly, an elephant’s skull, with tusks, begins to rise out of the ground.

Cut to a view along the top of Lara’s revolver. She has Hotti in her sights.

Cut to her face. Her eyes narrow and her finger tightens on the trigger. Suddenly her aim is thrown off and she yelps. She looks down at her feet.

Quentin is worrying at her ankle with his little teeth, growling.

LARA: Oh, for God’s sake.

She stamps Quentin into the ground in a cloud of bone splinters; he gives a few final “yips!”

Bubbles and Jaws swim into Lara’s field of vision and make bubble blowing motions at her. Lara grabs one in her hand and crunches it, and swats the other one away with the butt of her pistol causing it to disintegrate.

She takes aim at the Harrier again, but it too far away and she lowers her pistol. There is a hissing sound behind her and she wheels round to see the cat skeletons hissing at her.

LARA: Oh don’t be ridiculous!

Lara blows Fluffy’s skull apart with a well aimed bullet. The remaining three cats leap at her; Scheherezade lands on Lara’s face. She falls backwards, and then rolls along the ground scattering the skeletons.

Lara ends up seated, patting her face for wounds and looking at her hands for signs of blood. There are none.

LARA: No claws.

Lara spies a cricket bat and grabs it up.

Fatima leaps at her and Lara does a perfect cricket stroke, detaching the skull from the body. The skull flies through the air and smashes a window.

LARA: Six!

Maryam tries the same thing, and Lara does another impeccable swing with the bat. The skull skips across the surface of an ornamental pond, and lands on top of a lily pad.

LARA And another six.

Scheherezade runs at her, but Lara flattens her to the ground with a double-handed downward sweep of the bat, crunching the bones to fragments.

LARA (leaning on the bat): Lacking a certain style, but effective, nonetheless.

There is the sound of an elephant trumpeting loudly. Lara wheels round and her eyes widen.

We pan round to see what she is seeing, and there is Jumbo, standing up on his hinds leg and trumpeting. (He has no trunk or ears, just a skull with tusks and a huge nose hole.)

LARA: Whoa, boy.

Jumbo crashes down on his front feet, shaking the camera and then raises back onto his hind legs to trumpet again.

LARA: Easy there.

Lara carefully crouches and put the bat flat on the ground. She opens her hands in an appeasing gesture as Jumbo comes down on his front legs again.

LARA: We’ve no reason to fight, have we?

Jumbo swings his head from side to side and snorts.

LARA: You know humans, don’t you? You like humans.

Jumbo looks at her for a moment, and then kneels. Lara walks forward, and strokes a tusk, pats him on the head.

LARA: Good boy. Good elephant. That’s better isn’t it?

Jumbo puts his chin down on his knee. Cut to Lara. A look of compassion comes over her face. Cut to Jumbo. Bizarrely, a little bit of water wells at the lower edge of his eye socket and trickles down his bony cheek. Lara bits her lip.

LARA: (encouraging the skeleton to get to its feet): Come on now, old boy. You shouldn’t have been woken up. Time to go back to bed.

She leads Jumbo to his grave, and encourages him to kneel down again. Jumbo puts his head down on his knees.

LARA (putting a hand on his skull): Shhh! There you go. Time for Bedfordshire.

Jumbo’s skull lapses sideways and then his skeleton collapses into a pile of bones.

Pan away from Lara, hand still resting on the skull, looking thoughtfully at the tombstone.

Fade to black.

*******************************

Outside shot of an Islamic city somewhere, possibly in Saudi Arabia.

LARA{V/O): I followed Abdulaziz Al-Dorada to the Middle East.

Closeup of Lara looking in a mirror. She is adjusting a diamond earring

LARA (V/O): I decided that it was time that I got to know him a little better.

Pan back to show Lara walking down the stairs in a casino called "Casablanca's". She is dressed in a evening dress that shows no flesh at all - long sleeves, high neckline, ankle length - but despite her best efforts to look conservative, shapely. She is wearing a diamond tiara, a diamond chokers and diamond bracelets, and a diaphonous veil that only shows her eyes.

Pan around to show a stage with curtains drawn. Spots light come on and a band strikes up the opening chords to Cole Porter's "Anything goes." The curtains part to show a line up of chorus girls, all dressed from head to foot in black robes, and heavily veiled.

CHORUS:

In olden days a glimpse of stocking
Was looked on as something
Now Heaven knows
Nothing will go

Novelists who once knew better words
Now only use four-letter words
Writing prose
They'll have to go
Etc.

The music continues to play over the following scene.

Cut to a teller’s window.

LARA: Do you take American Express? I'd like a million dollars.

TELLER: Shh, Madame! You misunderstand. No gambling allowed.

LARA: This is a casino.

TELLER: We give you some chips. At the end of the evening you give them back.

Lara gives him a look.

Cut to her walking up to a bar.

LARA: Vodka martini please. In a large mug. No ice.

BARMAN: I'm sorry, Miss. We are not allowed to serve alcohol. Maybe I get you a root beer?

LARA (slight pause): Got any drugs?

Cut to a gaming table where Al-Dorada, some rich associates and some vieled women are standing around a card table.

CROUPIER: Mesdames, messieurs. Les cartes.

Al-Dorada and two other players start slapping down cards from their hands in turn. The cards are pictureless but have, instead, Arabic characters on them. Eventually;

AL-DORADA (triumphantly): Snap!

There is a gentle ripple of applause as the Croupier gathers up the cards with a silver card rake and prepares to deal again. Al-Dorada moves to another table.

He sits down. Lara sits down next to him.

LARA: Evening.

AL-DORADA (pleased): Good evening Miss ...?

LARA (allowing him to kiss her hand): Rushdie. Dr. Samantha Rushdie. May I smoke?

AL-DORADA: I believe it is permitted provided one sticks to a low tar brand.

We see into Lara's bag. She's been about to remove a big Montechristo cigar. But she replaces it.

LARA: Maybe not. And who are these delightful ladies?

AL-DORADA: They are my bodyguards.

LARA: Ah.

CROUPIER 2 (standing in front of a roulette wheel): Gentlemen. Western women. Place your predictions.

LARA: I'll put the whole lot on black. Since there doesn't seem to be many other colours.

AL-DORADA: As the old Arabic saying goes - Knock yourself out.

Close up of Lara and Al-Dorada laughing at this 'witticism' in rather a tinkley and brittle upper class way. Major Hotti turns up, looking elegant in a ruffle-fronted shirt and black bow tie.

MAJOR HOTTI (taking Lara’s elbow): May I cut in?

AL-DORADA: Of course, Dick. But bring her back alive.

MAJOR HOTTI: I always try my best.

He draws Lara away from the table.

MAJOR HOTTI: Ms. Croft.

LARA: Is your name really Dick?

MAJOR HOTTI: Yes. Dick Hotti.

LARA: Were your parents fans of Carry On films by any chance?

MAJOR HOTTI: Not as far as I know. What are you doing here? He’ll kill you if he recognises you.

LARA: Why aren’t you killing me?

MAJOR HOTTI: Come with me.

Cut to a palatial private room in the back of the casino somewhere.

MAJOR HOTTI: Champagne?

LARA (throwing herself in a chair): Go on then. Twist my arm.

MAJOR HOTTI: You realise that he has a Djinn in that lamp of his?

LARA: A Djinn? A genie? You must be joking.

MAJOR HOTTI (popping the champagne cork): He’s more than a bit mad, and I have my doubts about such a man holding such great power.

He gives her a glass and she stands. They link the arms holding their champagne glasses.

MAJOR HOTTI: Cheerio!

LARA (taking a sip from her glass): Hold your horses.

She kisses him. Pan back to show show them entwined, Lara facing us, Hotti with his back to us. Lara carelessly throws her glass away and put her arms round his neck. Grasping the collar of his shirt, she rips it in two, exposing his naked back.

Fade to Al-Dorada laughing, and then down to a spinning roulette wheel. The picture spins to a blur and takes us into the next scene ...

LARA (V/O): I realised that although I'd found Al-Dorada, there was no point in confronting him until I had a way of combating the Djinn.

... which is the spinning front wheel of Lara's Norton motorcycle. Lara is wearing a head to nose robe and an Arabic head-dress as she drives along a sandy road in the desert, overtaking a large old Esso lorry and a clapped-out taxi. We can only tell it is her by panning into her eyes behind her goggles. The goggles shift to reflect the road ahead, the desert, some palm trees.

LARA (V/O):Now I was on my way to the Lost City of the Djinn. Of course I'd done some in depth research in the American University at Jeddah before I left ...

Pan high up into the sky, looking at Lara and the motorcycle and the cloud of dust behind her from above. We go so far up it looks like a map ...

LARA(V/O): I'd consulted the eminent Orientalist Professor Henry Jones Junior.

... and then it is, an ancient map drawn on parchment. It is being held by a rather a moth-eaten American academic seated in an old library (- copper desk lamps, leather chairs, leather books, a swinging cloth fan overhead).

JONES: Of course there's a map of sorts.

He hands Lara the scrap of parchment.

LARA (turning it round in her hands): Which way up do you hold it?

JONES: That's a secret lost in the mists of time.

LARA: Oh ... I expect I'll find it.

JONES: And the there is the last diary entry of Hamish MacDonald, the Scottish explorer, who spent his life searching for the Djinn.

He hands Lara a page.

LARA: It's written in Arabic.

JONES: He went to Edinburgh University. In Scotland.

LARA: I see.

JONES: Translating roughing ... yadda yadda yadda ... he describes the ancient trial 100 miles east of the Jeddah-Medina railway - that's on the map ... yadda yadda yadda. Here we are. "Where the land meets the sky ..."

LARA: The horizon?

JONES: I'm sorry, my dear?

LARA: "Where the land meets the sky." That's the horizon.

JONES: Bless my soul. At any rate ... MacDonald writes "I look for the wee twin peaks described by your man Al-Sabbah near to the moon river under the boarded walk, somewhere over the bonnie rainbow arch ..."

LARA: Get on with it.

JONES: Hang on a second. (Adjusts spectacles.) "Upon entering the Temple of the Djinn in the City of the Djinn, you ken, I find myself face to face with the ultimate secret of power over the Djinn which is .... arrrrrggggh".

LARA: Argh?

JONES: Yes ... "ARRRRRGHHHH!" Look. It's written in Scotch.

LARA (getting up): Well thank you, Professor. You've been most helpful.

JONES: Wish I was coming with you.

LARA (on her way out, sotto voce): I'm rather relieved you're not.

The scene is obscured by the cloud of dust behind Lara's motorcycle.

LARA (V/O): It took me a while to get my bearings.

Shot of raised road in the desert, in the middle of nowhere. Lara on her bike zooms from right to left and then off shot. Pause, during which the sound of bike fades away to the sound of a breeze. Then the bike zooms from left to right and off. Another pause. Lara drives in from the right and stops.

We see her peering at a geosatellite location device, and then directly towards us with some binoculars. She holds up the map and then looks through the binoculars again.

Pan round 180 degrees to see what she is looking at. In the distance there are two lonely rocks in the desert, each about fifty feet high. Strung between the peaks of two rocks what might be the remains of an old rope and plank bridge. The whole scene shimmers as if a mirage. Occasionally it looks as if the rocks are standing in a shallow lake. At other times, the white sky above shimmers with heat haze and strange pastel colours.

Zoom back to show the scene reflected in Lara's binoculars. She lowers the binoculars and her eyes narrow.

LARA: I wonder?

Cut to a shot of sand shooting out of the ground between the two rocks to the sound of a roaring motorbike. We pan forward and down to find Lara digging a hole using the spinning rear wheel of her motorcycle.

Fade to quite a deep hole. The bike keeps stopping as the sand rolls back onto it and Lara is muttering. She guns the bike up out of the hole that she has dug and parks it under the shadow of one of the rocks.

Cut to Lara fishing around in her backpack. She produces a couple of grenades. Pulling the pins she throws them into the hole and drops flat to the ground.

Cut to a long shot of the rocks. There is an explosion and a shower of sand is throw into the air.

Cut to Lara cautiously peering over the lip of the new crater.

LARA: Bingo!

Pan to show, in the base of the crater, the top of a stone doorway.

Cut to Lara digging away in front of the door with a small collapsible desert spade. Fade to the point at which the whole door is exposed.

Cut to Lara levering the stone door with a crowbar. She grunts and appears to be making little progress when suddenly the door rolls aside - it is, in fact, a circular stone door.

Cut to the darkness inside, looking out at the sky. There is the noise of the motorbike engine and then Lara appears in the opening, bike headlight lit. The beam shines into our faces.

Cut to darkness. There is the sound of scrabbling and of someone trying to brake a motorbike. As the headlight provides some illumination, we see an enormous stone slope, with tiny Lara and bike near the top. She is skidding downwards - the slope is steep and smooth.

Cut to the bottom of the slope. Lara comes screeching down too fast and bounces off a stone at the bottom, appearing to fly into our faces.

Cut to the edge of a dry canal. Lara skids to a halt on the lip.

LARA (looking around her, astride the bike, shining the headlight around): Blimey!

Pan back to see the streets and stone buildings (and canal) of an underground town, not entirely unlike Pompeii.

Cut to Lara crossing a stone bridge over the canal and driving cautiously down the main street.

Cut to her eyes flicking to the right. We see shadowy side streets and doorways. Cut to her eyes flicking left. Much the same view, with lots of shadows.

Cut to Lara coming to a halt at the crossroads.

LARA(V/O): Sometimes when you first enter a place it's a little difficult to find your way around.

Lara is scanning about, listening. She draws a pistol.

LARA(V/O): The problem is often solved by the welcome provided by the local populous.

Down the street something huge is moving, coming towards her.

Close up of the street surface. It is made of stones, like a Roman street, curved in cross-section with a raised centre. We see the stones on one side of the road splinter and tilt as a wall of undressed stones slides heavily across the surface. The wall stops in a wave of debris and then another wall slides up behind it, splintering the other side of the road. It is at a slight angle to the first wall and is being dragged across the stones like a wounded limb. The second wall stops, and the first wall begins to crunch forward again.

Close up of another blank wall, just large stones, but with some decoration at the upper edge - ivy leaves and vines. The surface of the wall is tilted about 60 degrees away from us. The wall turns so that the surface is parallel to us, and then begins to scan slowly in the other direction, like a face looking from side to side. Suddenly it jerks back so that the surface is parallel to us, as someone was facing us. The ivy leaf motif curves downwards slightly in the middle, like lowering eyebrows.

Cut to Lara, down the street. She is staring towards us in frank astonishment. She slowly lowers her gun.

We see a pillar silhouetted against the cave ceiling. It is swinging awkwardly through the air like a limb. The bottom section of the pillar, a large cylindrical chunk of metal detaches itself and flies through the air.

Cut to a close up of Lara’s face as she watches something flying through the air towards her. She is eclipsed by a large shadow, getting bigger. She cries out and flings herself to the side.

Cut to a shot of Lara’s motorbike being flattened by the chunk of pillar as Lara rolls free - there is a muffled explosion and some rapidly quenched flames.

Lara staggers to her feet but a cube of stone hits her in the stomach and she is thrown backwards. The pistols flies from her hand and we pan rapidly, following it skittering across the stones. A large block stamps upon it, and then lifts up again, leaving the pistol flattened against the rocks.

Close up on Lara cartwheeling sideways into a open doorway, her hands gripped across her stomach, her face grimacing. Cut to her scrambling backwards across the floor, looking at the open doorway. A stone wall slams against the outside of the doorway, blocking out the light. The camera trembles. The wall pulls back and slams against the outside of the doorway again. Debris falls from the ceiling and Lara shields her head with her arms.

Close up of Lara’s face. She is cut and bleeding.

LARA: Sick building syndrome.

There is another crash, and the lintel of the door falls inwards. The wall doing the door bashing withdraws, and the wall with the ivy decoration “looks in” to the room. The “ivy freize face” wall withdraws, and a column that is slightly too wide for the door begins to try and force itself in end first, like a round peg in a square hole.

Lara gets to her feet, looking round the room desperately. It is just a large cubic space in solid rock, with no apparent exit. Lara starts scrabbling around in her backpack. We see a number of items falling on the floor as the scene trembles with each large crash. A pair of knickers, a bottle of Lucozade, a roll-on deoderant, the Montechristo cigar, a hip flask … whatever.

LARA: Ah-ha! (She’s found four grenades strung on a bandoleer.)

At that moment, the stone column has managed to demolish the door way. We see the round end of the column rushing towards Lara like a train - she throws herself to the side. The column slams into the back wall. It withdraws and slams three times in close succession - crash, crash, crash.

Lara is off to one side. Her eyes flicker and we pan swiftly round to where there is a large crack in the wall, with light spilling inwards. She looks back at the column.

The column is still for a moment, and then the circular sections that it is made from begin to roll towards her, each section at a different speed so that the column breaks up into independent sections.

Shot of Lara from the front, legs braced apart, shifting her weight from one leg to the other, hands splayed, and the bandoleer over her shoulder.

Shot from the side. As a column section reaches her, Lara does a handstand on the upper surface and vaults to the other side. The column chunk hits the wall where she was standing and begins to roll back, but Lara sprints out of the open doorway.

Shot of her from the front, running from one side of the street to the other, head down, eyes almost shut. Behind her a succession of rocks shaped like sarcophagus lids slam down, one after another, just missing her heels.

Lara swerves past the edge of a stone building and is sprinting down the street at right angles to the one that she has just left. Behind her, at the crossroads, the whole side of a Roman temple slides past, paving stones flying. (Clouds of dust, loud crashing and rumbling.) The building stops, and backs up a couple of yards. We see our “ivy-freize face” wall is part of the side of the temple, blank, with no windows or doors.

The side of the temple folds in three, with the middle parallel to us, the left half folding away from us, the right half folding towards us (so that, from above the wall is S-shaped). The left part of the wall (furthest away from us) pivots on its front corner (the edge of the wall is towards us), and then “rolls” towards us, so that that section of the wall is turned upsidedown. The centre section slides forward between the two outer section. Then the right section pivots forwards, and the process is repeated. Soon the building is making rapid progress up the street towards us.

Lara is at a dead end, a cliff of solid rock. She turns and faces the on-coming building, teeth bared. Cut to a shot of her feet - we see four grenade “pins” hitting the floor one after the other - ping, ping, ping, ping.

Cut to Lara swinging the bandoleer round and round like a shot putter. As she plunged into darkness by the shape rushing towards her she lets go of the bandoleer with a cry.

Cut to the “ivy freize face” wall. The bandoleer flies up and drapes itself over the upper edge of the wall. There is an immediate explosion.

Cut to Lara, crouching down, head covered, debris scattering all around her. She looks up.

Cut to the “ivy freize face” wall. A chunk has been blown out of the top of the wall, about three foot by three. The wall is teetering slightly, as if stunned. Then it recovers and draws itself erect. There is a sound a bit like a cross between a rock slide and growl.

LARA (eyes widening): Bollocks.

We see a side shot of Lara crouching, the “ivy freize face” wall in front of her, towering above her. The wall slams down on top of her like a fly swat, and crashes again the ground several times, very violently - crash, crash, crash. The scene is obscured by clouds of dust.

As the dust clears, we pan up from ground level and up, so that eventually we are looking at the scene from above. The “ivy freize face” wall is lying flat on its “face”, and Lara is crouched, curled up, in the tiny hole that she made with the grenades, unscathed.

For a moment all is still, and then Lara leaps up and runs over the back of the “ivy freize face” wall and back down the street. We are still looking at the scene from above, and we pan back even further until Lara is a dot in the city. We tip the camera to the end of the street that she is running along and zoom down to it. The street ends in a sheer drop. We pan down, past the jagged end of the street, down a cliff and finally come to rest on some wicked looked spikes and shards of glittering rock.

Cut to Lara running awkwardly along the street, trying to look over her shoulder at the same time. She trips over one of the sarcophagus lid stones, and falls over, skidding to a halt. She turns around and looks down the street.

We eventually see what she sees - a tidal wave of stones washing towards her at great speed. As the wave goes past, buildings on each side crumble into it, added to its height.

Lara scrambles up, looking around desperately. There are two sarcophagus lids, one resting on the other so that it is slight raised. Lara throws herself on top of it, and “spread-eagles”, toes and fingers hanging onto the edges. She screws her eyes lightly shut and a rising “hum of anxiety” escapes from her clenched teeth as she waits for the impact. We see her face being thrown about as the rumbling gets closer and then suddenly there is a bang and the picture is “lost” in blurs of motion.

Cut to Lara, hanging for dear life onto her sarcophagus lid like a very bad surfer. She opens one eye and looks where they are headed. Zoom back suddenly to shown the edge of the cliff that they are heading for.

Lara gets up on all fours, and crouches as if she is about to leap, the sarcophagus lid bucking underneath her, and stones and earth bombarding her like hail. We can hear nothing but roaring.

She is about to jump when the sarcophagus lid is thrown into space. Suddenly all is quiet except for the whistling of the wind.

The sarcophagus lid tips over, so that Lara is falling towards the spikes with the lid above her. She screams.

There is a juicy crunching noise, and then silence. We look down on the sarcophagus lid from above, lying on the spikes. We pan sideways to see a dangling arm, twitching. The blood begins to drip from its fingers, and then it is still.

Fade to black.

******************************************************

Fade in to show the front door of Number 10, Downing Street. Big Ben is striking five and it is dark, drizzly and foggy.

Cut to an inside office. The Permanent Under Secretary (P.U.S.) is hanging his hat, coat and umbrella on a hat stand.

P.U.S.: Campbell. What on earth is going on? The last time I was dragged out of bed at this time of the morning was when someone’s husband came home unexpectedly.

CAMPBELL: It’s the PM.

P.U.S: Well I deduced that.

CAMPBELL: He woke up about two hours ago and he’s been behaving rather oddly ever since. (Campbell hands the P.U.S. a list.) Here are some of his new policy initiatives.

P.U.S. (reading): Renationalisation of all utilities. Leave the European Union. New modest dress code for women. Ejection of the Israeli ambassador. Official state funding for anti-American terrorist organisations. This all seems a bit old Labour for the PM.

CAMPBELL: New penalties for petty crime including the loss of a limb. New name for the Labour Party - the Muslim Workers Party. New State religion - Sunni Muslim. Declare war on Spain.

P.U.S.: Was that bit about Spain left in the manifesto?

CAMPBELL: You haven’t seen the worst.

P.U.S. (incredulous): Abdulaziz Al-Dorada to be made a British Lord and Minister for War?

CAMPBELL: The rest we can probably live with, but that last one takes the biscuit. I thought you had Al-Dorada under control?

P.U.S. (thoughtfully): So did we ….

Cut to a sign reading “Derry and Toms”. Pull back to an exterior view of the Derry and Toms Department Store - it is enormous, practically the equivalent of a London “city block”. It is raining. Suddenly all the lights come on in the building. There is an earthquake sound and the building begins to tremble. As we watch, the top of the building begins to fold in slightly. The windows begin to fill in and the outside of the building takes on a golden colour. Soon, occupying the same ground area as Derry and Toms is a golden pyramid of equivalent height. Capping the top is a pyramidion of glass, shining in the rain.

We pan into the pyramidion of glass. Inside is what looks like the palace of an Egyptian Pharaoh, but with no pictures or hieroglyphs, only Islamic texts and abstract tile patterns.

Seated on a massive throne is Al-Dorada. He is wearing a medal-encrusted military uniform, but he has on his head the crown of a Pharaoh. On a pedestal at his right hand is the Philosopher’s Lamp.

AL-DORADA: As for the infidels, their wealth and their children shall avail them nothing against God. They shall be fuel for the fire.

The Philosopher’s Lamp burst into flame and the flames detach themselves. They form into the Djinn, who looks and dresses more like Alexander the Great than the Disney Genii. He has two small horns spouting from his forehead.

AL-DORADA’S DJINN (kneeling down and touching his horns to the floor): Master. Your wish is my command.

Pan back to show Major Hotti, wearing the clothes of an ancient Egyptian soldier. (Thonged sandals, “skirt”, greaves, neck ornament, plumed helmet, bracelets, sword, the lot.)

MAJOR HOTTI (sotto voce): Where is that sweet little butt of yours? Time is running out.

Cut to the outside of Buckingham Palace. Some Coldstream Guards are on duty outside. Suddenly they stop walking and listen. There is a strange clattering sound.

Outside the gates of the Palace, a convoy of ancient Egyptian chariots appears and park lined up facing the front of the railings.

An officer dressed like an ancient Egyptian steps down from a chariot, scroll in one hand, sword in the other. He bangs on the gate with the blade of his sword.

A Guard comes marching up smartly and comes to a halt on the inside of the gates with a couple of brisk stamping movements.

EGYPTIAN OFFICER (handing through the scroll): Orders from the Ministry.

The Guard unrolls the scroll and reads it expressionlessly.

GUARD: Excuse me for a minute, sir.

He marches back to his guard hut and picks up the telephone.

GUARD: Sir. I have some people here, with what looks like valid documentation, who wish to arrest the Duke of Edinburgh.

Fade to black.

In the blackness;

LARA (V/.O): When one is dead, one doesn’t feel it. One probably doesn’t even realise one is dead. After all, there is no such thing as “you”. It is beyond annoying.

The cliff in the City of the Djinn gradually appears through the darkness, and we pan down to Lara’s body.

LARA (V/O): Having said all of that, there is one situation when one can feel death.

Shot of Lara’s blood-soaked hand protruding from under the slab. Suddenly she screams and the fingers of her hand are splayed.

The slab begins to lift by itself with a sucking noise. We see, in silhouette only, Lara’s body impaled on the spikes. Her body is writhing in agony. It is lifted off the spikes and begins to rise upwards.

We see the body from above, rising. A shaft of light falls on her leg and thigh, which is twisted and full of bloody holes. As we watch, the limb straightens and the wounds heal, leaving a healthy leg. A hand with missing or broken fingers resumes a proper shape, and heals. We see a shot of Lara’s wounded back which, when healed, inflates with an indrawing of breath. We have a close up of Lara’s mouth opening and she screams again.

Cut to the top of the cliff where a woman wearing a garment similar to Roman toga is sitting, waiting. Lara is lowered to the ground as if by a crane. Her legs buckle and she sits on her heels. Her upper body tips forward but she manages to support herself on her hands, gasping for breath.

WOMAN: Salam ‘alekum.

LARA (coughing and barely able to speak): ‘Alekum es salam.

WOMAN: Tasharrafna. Izzayyik?

LARA: Kwaysa. (Long pause.) Enfi bititkallimi inglizi?

WOMAN: Yes, I speak English. I can speak any language you like.

LARA: English … is just great. What happened?

WOMAN: You died.

LARA: (pause) I … died?

WOMAN: You still are dead, but I wanted to speak to you.

LARA: What do you mean?

WOMAN: Cover your ears with your hands and listen to your heart beat.

Lara obeys. She looks puzzled.

LARA: Nothing.

WOMAN: As I said - you’re dead.

LARA (struggling to her knees): Who the hell are you?

WOMAN: I am a Djinn. (There is a shimmer of light around her for a moment, like an aura.) Who are you and what are you doing here?

LARA: My name is Lara Croft. I am a Djinn hunter.

WOMAN (laughing): And have you caught any?

LARA (sourly): Well you’re here, aren’t you?

WOMAN: I will do you a deal, Lara Croft the Djinn Hunter. I will allow you to walk about as you are now so until you free my brother Djinn from this man Al-Dorada.

Lara gets to her feet, rubbing her face.

LARA: May I kill Al-Dorada?

WOMAN: Your soul is your own to dispose of.

LARA: And afterwards?

WOMAN: You will be as you were down there.

LARA (sighs): How jolly.

WOMAN: So. Now I shall give you what you need to control a Djinn.

LARA: And what is that?

WOMAN: Why, their name, of course. Just their name.

Close-up of Lara’s rather grim face. We zoom into the iris of her eye and to blackness.

LARA (V/O): I had, to put it mildly, a very bad trip.

Lara is on a passenger jet in business class. She is approached by an air hostess dressed in a Beefeater/micro skirt type outfit.

AIR HOSTESS: Can I get you anything?

LARA: Do you have anything meaty?

AIR HOSTESS: We have our special British Imperial Airways Beef Wellington prepared by the British Imperial Airways chefs.

LARA: Is it cooked?

AIR HOSTESS: I’m sorry?

LARA: Is it cooked or is it raw?

AIR HOSTESS: The meals are brought aboard after being lovingly hand prepared in Hounslow.

LARA: Oh for Christ’s sake, just bring me another bottle of Bombay Sapphire from the Duty Free trolley.

LARA (V/O): I couldn’t her that what I really craved was one of the small children in Pleb Class. The sound of them screaming and running about was making my mouth water. Surely one plump young member of the great unwashed wouldn’t be missed?

BUSINESS PASSENGER: They’re only doing their jobs. There’s no need to bite her head off.

LARA: Get behind me Satan. (She stuffs her knuckles into her mouth.)

Cut to London Airport. Lara hails a black taxi.

LARA: The nearest butcher’s, please.

TAXI DRIVER: It’s Sunday.

LARA: Supermarket.

TAXI DRIVER: They all shut at four.

LARA (weakly): Corner shop?

LARA (V/O): Some revolting packets of cheap bacon had kept the craving at bay for the journey into central London, but it wasn’t enough. I needed meat. Juicy warm human meat.

Cut to scene of taxi drawing up near the Derry and Toms pyramid.

Lara is banging on a giant pair of brass doors set into the side of the pyramid. As she knocks we pan into a security camera that is turning to get a shot of her.

LARA: Al-Dorada! Open up! Special delivery!

The doors swing open and a crowd of Egyptian guards open fire with submachine guns.

Lara is caught into the crossfire like a jerking marionette. The firing stops and Lara falls over backwards with a dull thud.

The Egyptian guards cheer.

Lara levers herself up onto her elbows and regards her body, which is riddled with bullet holes.

LARA (voice distorted by injuries to her mouth): Don’t worry lads. It’s only a flesh wound.

The Egyptian guards scream and run away.

Cut to the inside of the entrance of Derry and Toms. Pan around to show Lara’s black outline in the doorway. She is dragging one leg, and one arm is lifeless. Her head seems a bit askew.

Follow her feet as they cross the marble floor. An ear hits the floor near her toe and bounces away. The feet stop. There is a wheezing noise.

LARA (face in shadow, voice distorted): Ear today. Gone tomorrow. (She starts up the wheezing noise again, which is her attempt at laughing.)

Enter Major Hotti, running down the main staircase.

MAJOR HOTTI: Lara!

He runs up and takes her in his arms.

MAJOR HOTTI: What have they done to you?

LARA: Hello Dick.

MAJOR HOTTI: You’re so cold.

Hotti kisses her tentatively around her lips, his face anguished.

LARA: I have to eat.

MAJOR HOTTI: We have to get an ambulance.

Close up of Lara’s face.

LARA: You’re all that I want.

Her eyes narrow and she lunges forward with a snarl, leaving us looking at the staircase and decorations on the back wall. There is a crunching sound.

HOTTI’S VOICE: My darling. Such exquisite pain.

We fade to black to the sound of eating.

Cut to the throne room, where Al-Dorada is impassively seated on his throne, his Djinn standing behind him.

AL-DORADA’s DJINN: Do you remember our agreement, Al-Dorada?

AL-DORADA: Today is not the day, Dhoulkarnain.

The doors to the throne room are kicked open, and there stands Lara, fully restored, wiping blood from her mouth.

LARA: We always eat the ones we love, don’t we?

AL-DORADA: Ms. Croft. Quite a performance. I have it on video if you wish to watch it before I hand it over to the police.

LARA: I know the name of your Djinn.

AL-DORADA: Silence her.

Lara’s owns hands fly up to cover her mouth, making her stagger backwards. She tries to pull them free so that she can speak, but she is unable to.

AL-DORADA: Entomb her where she belongs.

The floor opens up beneath Lara and she floats downwards into a pit in the floor. She floats down a vertical corridor with shimmering golden walls, deep in the heart of the pyramid. She enters a large golden room which has stars painted on the ceiling, a sarcophagus in the centre of the floor and a mummy case leaning against the wall.

We cut to reels of cloth on the floor. The ends of the reels unwind and twist upwards like snakes. They begin to wrap Lara from foot to head. She cannot cry out because of her hands nor break free, however hard she wriggles. Eventually she is bundled up like a mummy, with only her eyes showing. The mummy case rises up and opens into two halves. It shuts around her with a harsh crash and then tips back so it is horizontal. It falls into the sarcophagus and a stone lid is slammed on top. There is silence apart from the crackling of flames from torches set into the wall.

LARA (V/O): I was beaten. And having failed to free the Djinn I was buried in a state of living death.

We are still looking at the scene with the sarcophagus. Nothing moves.

LARA (V/O): After a few minutes the novelty began to wear off.

Fade slowly to gold and then fade into the gold on the outside of the Derry and Toms pyramid. There is a rumbling as an opening appears near the top. Within is a wooden Egyptian ship, a bit like that found near to the Pyramid of Cheops. It has a high prow and stern, a single steering paddle and a single bank of oars on each side. In the centre is a throne under a golden awning, and on it is seated Al-Dorada, still dressed in his business suit and Pharoanic crown. At his side is the Djinn.

The ship casts off into the London night sky, rowing itself through the air, and trailing a wake of gold particles.

AL-DORADA: Let the streets of London be paved with gold to welcome the new Sun King.

Cut to the face of Big Ben. The Roman numerals turn to Arabic. Pan round over the River Thames, which suddenly has palm trees sprouting over the embankments. Zoom in on Cleopatra’s needle, which is suddenly brand new, with freshly painted Islamic designs and a new gold pyramidion at the top. Cut to Piccadilly Circus where the neon signs and adverts are replaced by the name of Allah in neon and neon portraits of Al-Dorada. Cut to Nelson’s Column. The lions grow Egyptian head dresses. We pan up the column to Nelson in time to see him metamorphose into Al-Dorada.

Cut to the Tower of London and through a barred window. We can see a shadowy figure in a cell, head bowed as the cell door is slammed shut on them. A hand written card on the outside of the door reads “The traitor His Royal Highness the Duke of Edinburgh”. Cut to the female squaddie who has just locked the cell door. She marches along the corridor and comes to attention in front of her commanding officer - stamp, stamp. They exchange salutes.

OFFICER: Sorry about this old girl. Instructions from higher up. (He holds out a yashmak and some robes.)

FEMALE SQUADDIE: Fucking ridiculous, Sir.

OFFICER: Couldn’t agree more, but keep stoum with the language. Mullahs don’t like it.

The female squaddie dons the robes, and ties the yashmak over the lower part of her face.

FEMALE SQUADDIE: (saluting): Yes Sir!

Cut to St. Paul’s Cathedral. There is a rumbling, and pigeons take flight. Four enormous minarets spring up around the dome turning St. Paul’s into Hagia Sophia. Zoom into the cross falling from the dome apex and being replaced by an ankh.

AL-DORADA (laughing and clapping his hands): The Thirty-Third Dynasty has begun! How does it feel to have founded two, Dhoulkarnain?

AL-DORADA’S DJINN: Allah’u akbar.

AL-DORADA: Indeed I am.

AL-DORADA’S DJINN: I used to think I was a god.

AL-DORADA: And you conquered the world.

AL-DORADA’S DJINN: Look on my works ye mighty and despair.

AL-DORADA: Never fear. I’m no Ozymandias.

We get a close up of the Djinn’s eyes. They flash with anger.

AL-DORADA’S DJINN: Yes, Master.

Fade from the Djinn’s eyes to Lara’s eyes, looking out from the bandages. We can hear her breathing rather fast and she is blinking.

LARA’S VOICE (over sound of breathing): Must be calm. I must be calm. I must breathe slowly. I don’t even need to breathe. Think. Think.

LARA (V/.O): I was trying to work it all out. The Djinn who had revived me lived in the ruins of an Alexandrine city. That meant that whatever it was that she’d used - it had to be part of a very ancient Arabic mysticism. The only think that I could think of that fitted the bill was the Kaballah.

We can see the bandage above Lara’s nose vibrating as she gasps for breath. Tears come into her eyes and she blinks some more.

LARA’S VOICE (over sound of breathing): Kaballah. Kaballah. If only I’d paid more attention.

Suddenly her eyes widen and her breathing slows.

LARA (V/O): And then I remembered about the ka and the ba.

Lara shut her eyes and concentrates. She hums.

LARA (V/O the scene below): Within the Kaballah is engrained the ancient Egyptian belief in the ka and ba, the two elements of the human soul. The ka remains outside the body until the moment of death when it re-enters the body. The fact that I could still think, despite the cold blood and dead neurones in my brain, suggested to me that I might have a ka. If that was the case I also possessed a ba, that part of the spirit that was free to leave the tomb and travel about the earth. So I called on my ba.

Cut to an outside shot of the sarcophagus. A ghostly blue naked figure is forming in the air above it. The figure - Lara - stretches its arms and smiles.

LARA’S VOICE (whispers): Free.

She does a downward sweep of her arms like a underwater swimmer heading for the surface, and shoots through the ceiling.

Cut to an outside shot of the Derry and Toms pyramid. Lara shoots into the air above it and flies off over the city.

Cut to the Royal Barque, flying over the River Thames near the Millennium Dome. The Millennium Dome is being pulled up by the centre until it is a pyramid shape. A smiling face of Al-Dorada appears on each face.

AL-DORADA: By his works shall ye know him.

AL-DORADA’S DJINN: Very true.

There is a suggestion of a blue mist and then a shadowy figure appears next the Djinn’s ear. Like the Cheshire Cat, her lips are the most visible.

LARA (whispers): Alexander …

The Djinn jerks his head round but there is nothing but blue mist. Lara’s lips approach his other ears.

LARA: Alexander of Macedon. I know your true name. I free you from the Lamp.

The Djinn throws back his head and laughs. The light glints off the horns on his forehead. Lara disappears.

AL-DORADA: Yes, it is magnificent.

Al-DORADA’S DJINN: Abdulaziz Al-Dorada. Your time is up.

AL-DORADA: What do you mean? Alexander?

Al-DORADA’S DJINN: I have been freed and now I will depart. I’ll see you again in a few minutes.

AL-DORADA (falling to his knees and grasping Djinn about his legs): Please! Who has done this?

Al-DORADA’S DJINN (as he disappears): The ba of Lara Croft.

AL-DORADA: No!

We zoom back to see the whole ship. It is beginning to dip at the prow, facing down towards the river. Al-Dorada seats himself on his throne, hands held tightly around the armrests.

The ship begins to pick up speed as it goes into a dive. The canopy above the throne is ripped away.

AL-DORADA: I extol the perfection of Allah the Great.

There is a clap of thunder as the ship dives into the surface of the Thames with hardly a splash.

Cut to Al-Dorada’s face underwater. His eyes widen.

A chasm opens in the bed of the river. There are flames in the pit. The ship sinks towards it rapidly.

Al-Dorada’s mouth opens in one last bubbly scream.

Cut to the surface of the Thames. A massive chute of steam and water is thrown up into the air above London. It begins to rain heavily.

Cut to Cleopatra’s needle. The gold washes off and it returns to its former state.

Cut to Nelson’s Column. The rather corpulent figure of Al-Dorada melts away revealing Nelson underneath.

Cut to Saint Paul’s. The minarets melt away in the rain.

Cut to the Derry and Tom’s pyramid. The gold disappears and the building changes back into its old shape.

Cut to the sarcophagus room. It changes back into a department that sells beds. We pan around until we spot a four poster. We pan in slowly to reveal Lara, lying with her hands crossed over her chest, no longer bandaged.

She is motionless and obviously dead.

Fade to black.

*************************************

Fade to the face of the Djinn. He is obviously Alexander the Great, despite the horns. He is seated on a chair in full Greek military armour, helmet on knee, sword at waist.

Pan round slowly to Lara’s face. Her eyes flicker open.

ALEXANDER: Ms. Croft.

LARA: I’m still here then?

ALEXANDER: So it would appear.

LARA: Got a cigarette?

ALEXANDER: That’s a disgusting habit.

LARA: I’m dead. I’ll be as disgusting as I like. So - what can I do for you?

ALEXANDER: Since you have freed me, you will be granted one wish.

LARA: One wish? What happened to three wishes?

ALEXANDER: One wish is all that you are capable of.

LARA: What about Al-Dorada? You granted him as many wishes as he wanted.

ALEXANDER: He and I have a different arrangement.

LARA (with a grimace): I don’t think that I want to know.

ALEXANDER: So what is your wish?

LARA: Maybe I should wish for world peace or something.

ALEXANDER (with a hollow laugh): World peace? What is that?

LARA: You know … no fighting, no wars.

ALEXANDER: In order to fulfil that wish I would have to destroy the human race. Make it into something not human.

LARA: Surely we can rise above our own nature?

ALEXANDER: Given the evidence of the last two thousand years I’d have to say no.

LARA (shrugging): Very well. (Speaking slowly and thoughtfully.) In that case what I wish for is ….

Fade to aerial shot of Croft Mansion. Slow pan in over following scene.

Lara is sitting in a deckchair outside the house, dressed in tennis whites. She is smoking a cigar and reading The Times newspaper whilst talking on her mobile phone.

PERMANENT-UNDER-SECRETARY’S VOICE: We’re really very grateful for the return of Al-Dorada’s artefact.

LARA: You can show your gratitude by issuing me with another passport.

P.U.S. It seems to be nothing more than a battered old lamp.

LARA: Indeed.

P.U.S.: So … how does one work it?

LARA: I suppose one would need a genie to put inside it.

P.U.S. (pause and then he starts to laugh): That’s really rather droll.

LARA: And what of the Prime Minister? Aren’t people going to notice that their new Labour PM has become a right-wing religious nutcase?

P.U.S.: Oh I doubt it. They’ll probably like it. Besides we have a Plan B. We can force an election and get him replaced by someone more liberal if he goes too far.

LARA: The Great Game goes on.

P.U.S. Quite. Speak to you again soon.

LARA: I look forward to it. (Shuts phone and returns her attention of the newspaper.)

Winston appears, carrying a tray with a tall glass on it.

WINSTON: Another whisky sour, Miss?

LARA: Bring it on, old chap.

WINSTON: Very good, Miss. So, is there anything new happening in the outside world?

(Continue slow pan into Lara.) Lara lowers the newspaper and gazes into the middle distance. She blows a contemplative smoke ring. She smiles sadly.

LARA: Not really.

She sips her drink and looks straight at us over the rim of the glass.

THE END




NOTICE: This story is a work of fiction. Lara Croft, her likeness, and the Tomb Raider games are all © and ™ of Core Design and EIDOS Interactive. There is no challenge to these copyrights intended by this story, as it is a non-sanctioned, unofficial work of my own.

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